Pandemics, Quarantines, and Thorns, "Oh My!"

A Season for Every Thing

A time to rest; a time to sow.

A time to hold on; a time to let go.

A time to hide; a time to uncover.

A time to reflect; a time to recover.

A time of panic; a time of no reason

But, "to every thing there is a season."*

Forty days in the ark

Noah prayed to see the mark.

Jesus fasted forty days

And He was tempted in many ways.

Forty days in a wilderness

Can mend your brokenness.

Sometimes you have to get alone

So God can bring you back home.

*Adaptation of Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

The etymology of the word "quarantine," according to the Online Etymology Dictionary, comes from the Italian phrase quaranta giorni, meaning "space of forty days." The word quarantine was coined as a period of isolation. When I found this information I did not hesitate to make the connection of quarantine to the forty days Jesus fasted in the wilderness. In Matthew 4:1-11, Jesus purposefully isolated himself so he could be tempted and tried to prove his faithfulness to his purpose. We need to have a specific time of isolation from the influences that wrongly persuade us so we can grow in a relationship with God.

Quarantine was our wilderness, more or less. We were forced into isolating ourselves in order to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Most people took the time of quarantine to clean out their homes and to declutter their lives. I personally did this by rearranging my room and getting rid of a lot of clothes/shoes. We need to do the same thing to ourselves. We need to cleanse our heart, mind, and soul from any wicked thing that tries to separate us from building a relationship with God. During quarantine, I began to think of the things I needed to clean inside me. As I prayed for direction on what God wanted me to purge, he gave me two words: insecurity and jealousy. These two words are dangerous, hurtful, and extremely hard to talk about. It hurts me to think that I have harbored insecurity and jealousy within my spirit but, God has given me exactly what I need to fix them. I want to share my revelation/testimony with everyone because God has given me so much help with battling insecurity and jealousy.

My story begins with 2019--well technically 1998 but this chapter begins in 2019--the most earth-shaking year for me so far in my 21 years of life. A LOT happened in 2019 that discouraged and broke me. At the beginning of the year, I was sick with strep that turned into post-streptococcal arthritis which basically rendered me bedridden. I could hardly move because every joint and muscle of my body hurt. It took me over a month to fully recover from it. Some things transpired within my family that hurt and confused me. My family experienced sickness, pain, and brokenness. People I knew and loved seemed to be giving up. I was also experiencing my first financial struggle with school bills. It felt like one thing after the other was collapsing. I felt that everything I knew and trusted was being stripped from me.

At the end of 2019, I could feel myself getting stronger and at the beginning of 2020, I was ready for a change. I began 2020 with a positive outlook on life. I didn't realize it but the events and situations of 2019 I thought I had gotten over had created some insecurities in me. They started out small but it doesn't matter how small the insecurity, it will still grow into something bigger. I began to compare myself to my friends. I love my friends but I let myself revere them too much. I put people on a pedestal and beat myself up anytime I couldn't reach that level. This comparison led to insecurity and jealousy. I became jealous of my friends. I think the world of my friends but I convinced myself that I could never be as beautiful, smart, talented, or wise as them. I let insecurity, jealousy, and selfish pride tear me apart until one day I completely broke down. I mean complete vomit of all my insecurity and doubt. It was actually my best friend's birthday when I began to pour out "my truth" of myself. (Let me just pause and say how thankful I am for my sweet best friend who took my rant with such grace and patience. AND ON HER BIRTHDAY). I spoke of how unworthy I saw myself, how hideous of a person I was, how I thought no good could come from me, and how I could not get out of this dark tightening gyre of despair. As I cried, the truth I had seen about myself finally spilled out of my mouth. My best friend looked at me and told me that I was not hearing the truth. I needed God's truth to overwhelm my thoughts and I needed to let God's truth speak life to my brokenness. And so I began my recovery journey of pruning and cutting out the "thorns in my side".

The Apostle Paul said:

"even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My strength is made perfect in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12: 7-10

Thorn: Insecurity

Insecurity essentially comes from comparing yourself to other people. You see these amazing things people do or how amazing someone looks and you instantly want to be like that. Your flesh becomes envious of not having a certain quality, characteristic or body type. You beat yourself up by thinking just because you don't have someone else's personality or body type you are not good enough. You become insecure about who you are. You become so bound to your insecurity and what you don't have that you cannot break through to see the true identity God has for you. Insecurity has the debilitating power to keep you bound in "carnality," meaning the thoughts, actions, or desires of your flesh that lead to the destruction within your soul. "For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace" (Romans 8:6 KJV). Constantly wanting to be somebody else will lead you to destruction. Being carnally minded means you look to things that will make your flesh feel good or look good. Comparing yourself to someone else can be carnal. You let your flaws look up to other people making you feel insecure. Your envy causes you to doubt the identity within you. You begin to overlook who you are, what your true identity is. Let's see what God says about your identity:

Truth:

"You are no longer slave to fear, but a child of God" (Galatians 4:7)--You don't have to be bound by insecurity anymore whenever you come to God.

You are "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14)

Through your weakness, God's "strength is made perfect" (2 Co. 12: 9)--You may feel weak and insignificant but it's through our weakness that God's strength flourishes.

I would also like to point out, insecurity is not an act of humility. Being insecure does not allow your God-given identity to surface. Insecurity crushes your faith making you forget or not even realize your full potential through Jesus Christ. Being humble is allowing God to have the power over your identity and submitting your whole being to Him. Letting insecurity reign in your spirit is insulting to God because he crafted your identity piece by piece. He made every part of you for a reason. You are meant to walk in His life-giving Spirit.

Thorn: Jealousy

And lastly, the green envious monster named jealousy. Have you ever seen how weeds take over a garden? Weeds will show up one by one and bully the other plants out of sunlight and nutrients. Gardeners have to be extremely diligent in their attempts to uproot the weeds before they completely take over the heart of the garden. Weeds suck all the good nutrients out of the produce, whether that is fruits, vegetables, or flowers. Jealousy is like a weed. It starts with a little sprout of envy and doesn't end until you cut out that weed. Jealous can easily suck all the life and truth out of you. The thing with jealousy is it hurts both you, the jealous person, and the person you are jealous of. For instance, in my story, I was jealous of my friend. The jealousy was completely my fault because I was allowing myself to compare myself to my friend. How selfish is that? I told my friend about how I would get jealous of her and her reaction broke my heart. Even though it was my fault I was jealous, she still felt such pain at the fact that I was jealous of her. That moment changed my perspective. I knew that I needed to change. The jealous person is always at fault. You have to be the change. You can't expect people to change who they are just because you are allowing jealousy to take root in your heart. That is selfish. Instead, when you feel even slightly jealous of someone, uproot that weed. Pray for the person, compliment the person, do something good for the person. We need to take captive every negative thought that comes into our mind because, if left unattended, those thoughts will suffocate you, just like weeds and thorns in a garden.

Truth:

"A sound heart is the life of the flesh: but envy the rottenness of the bones" (Proverbs 14:30)--Envy and jealousy get you nowhere in life.

Do not desire "vainglory, to provoke one another, envy one another" (Galatians 5:26)--Don't seek out ways to be jealous or to envy because that can lead you to destruction.

Last thoughts.......

God places thorns in our lives so that we can realize the pride we have in ourselves. Paul said in 2 Corinthians that his thorns were to keep him from becoming proud. I believe the insecurity and jealousy I felt were thorns that pricked my heart into submission to God. I felt God was trying to tell me something by placing the thorns of insecurity and jealousy in my life. He is trying to point out what was causing me to become prideful and insecure. My jealousy and insecurity caused me to become prideful in my thinking. I would pick a certain thing I was really good at and become super proud of it, and not it a good way.

When we become too dependent and reliant on ourselves, that is when God begins to plant thorns in our sides. He does this to get you to come back to relying on him. God has everything we need, especially in this crazy time of 2020. God wants you to be with him, but he will not force you. He wants you to decide and he wants you to make the first move toward him. Everything God does he does out of love for you.

Nine months ago, I would have told you I completely and utterly hated myself. I hated what I looked like, I hated my personality and attitude, I hated every little aspect of myself that made me "me." I remember feeling like nobody--including God--could ever truly love me because I felt so worthless and useless. I had let my brokenness own me. I let insecurity and jealousy tell me my worth. My testimony proves to me that there is a God because I know I would have never made it out of that despair by myself. I would still probably be in that depression if it wasn't for God's perfect love and grace speaking life into me.

Now I think about all the things I used to hate about myself and just find peace. I am content with all the things that make me "me." Of course, there will always be things I need to change or improve because I'm human and we all need a little work now and then. I can now say that when I look at myself I can find worth. I see potential and beauty but not in a vain way. I just know that God made me beautiful. He made YOU beautiful. You can think yourself beautiful and worthy and still be humble. Humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of your self less. Thinking you are beautiful is not vanity unless you become obsessed with it or begin to flaunt it. The truth is, God made you beautiful. Acknowledge and respect that truth--without flaunting it--and you'll find yourself in wave after wave of peace and love.

And now, I leave you with one last poem I wrote inspired by the peace and contentment I felt during a time of reflection and gratitude of all God has done for me.

Whatever state I am in

I’m content with my life

The imperfections and strife.

I’m at peace with my self

My identity and my health.

I can say “I’m calm”

Cause He holds my world in His palm.

Jealousy and Insecurity

No longer bind me.

Through quietness and brokenness

I’ve rested in God’s holiness.

So that now through whatever life may present,

I’ve learned to always be content.